Some Funnies: December 2005

Happy/Merry Ramahanukwanzmas

Headlines from 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally...scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nailclippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

Thanks to you. . .

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or coke machines because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS, nor do I go to movie theaters because the seats also have the needles.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo in heat on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 7,258th time)

I keep a look out for the girl who lost her parents during the tsunami, then found them, only to find that poor same girl lost her parents again in hurricane Katrina.

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Get's better

GOOD
Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, butwasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boywas standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAPHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with asign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just selllemonade!

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automatedradar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Beingcute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The policeresponded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State TrooperOfficer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, shesaid, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State TroopersBall. "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There wasa moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd justsaid. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. Shewas laughing too hard to start her car